Day 8: The Monday
There are quite a number of issues I need to address within this period of sanity. First, where am I going to stay. This is not about going to Northern Ireland or not, which, I am now convinced, that I need to do if I have to do my current job effectively. However, I do think I am at that stage in my life where I need to consider what I am doing next - not just this job but the next 10 years - before taking a decision. Indeed, going to Northern Ireland makes sense if I look at next few months, but the moment I look beyond, the choice isn't so obvious and I need to take a considered decision. In this context, the issue of whether to go back to India some day and when is important too. Lots of people keep advising me that I am wasting time staying away from India, and missing out on many emerging opportunities while I play this game of living through difficult life with myself. As I admitted earlier, I feel inclined too, but I am yet uncertain whether this comes out of my yawning for a comfortable life or for opportunities.
The second issue is what I am going to do. To be absolutely honest, I am not doing anything upto my satisfaction at this time. I am not talking about job satisfaction - I must flag here because I have never seen any of my Bengalee friends being able to understand anything beyond job satisfaction in life. But this is the key problem of the focus strategy. I shall put it this way - I woke up one morning seven days ago, and decided that I need to focus on pending things, because I am losing control over my life. So I did - I cut down on all things unnecessary or unrelated, and focused on what I am doing. Benefits are undoubtedly great, and I have regained the control, more or less, which I lost earlier. But, what if I focused on the wrong thing, the wrong way? Let me be specific. As things stand now, I want to do my job well and complete my Marketing Management studies which I am committed to. I want to sort out my home in Calcutta and a few other properties in which I have an interest. And, then next year September, I may go to full time studies and complete a business degree - that's the plan so far. However, if I am asked what is the rationale of this plan, I have no answers. All my life I would have followed one mistake after the other, as I lost control of my life by making a mistake and then trying to focus on the path to clear up the mess. I never had a chance to stand back and ask myself whether this is indeed the path I should go down.
One of things playing in my mind now is to leave the corporate/business career altogether and do something which I think I would like to do. I have International Development Management in my mind. My plans, as it stands now, is to keep doing what I am doing for one more year, meet my commitments to my employers and our other business partners, set the structure right and make it sustainable, and then take an one-year sabbatical to go back to the university and restart my career in another field. I am very keen to do this, and know that I have the necessary 'madness' in me to pursue such an option. This will help me to be apart, different, from my peers, which I always want. There is a bit of risk,, but as far as I am concerned, there is much less risk in following one's heart than in wasting the life doing something which one does not believe in.